Oh My Ghod! I Just Sat On My Nuts!

This afternoon on my way to work I sat on my nuts

Which caused me to briefly consider rubbing them on the Max train

Not rubbing my sack of balls onto the physical surface of the Max train

But while riding the Max train

I considered at least cradling them in my Hands

There’s nothing quite like sitting on your nuts

The grimace, so unique, and the muffled “FOOF” of air

That whistles out your mouth sounds like a lamb’s dying breath

Ask your dad about him sitting on his nuts

Ask your neighbor, brother, uncle, cousin, lover

Bag boy, toe lap’n whippin’ dog, whatever!

Watch as they relive the expressions before your eyes

Women love it when men sit on their nuts!

Really? You sat on your nuts? I didn’t know men sat on their nuts…

Howwww… interesting!

I’ll tell you something else, sitting on your nuts HURTS

It’s a godless, incriminating, ridiculous pain

That occupies every morsel of awareness

People with broken arms talk on the phone, watch TV or read

The tonsillectomitized enjoy orange sherbet

Cancer patients take sad walks with concerned family members

They get SYMPATHY!

You sit on your nuts all you can do is tear up and whimper

You can’t do shit

People laugh

Even other men bust a gut

They laugh and congratulate each other proudly

Saying simultaneously, “Man! Am I glad I didn’t sit on MY nuts!”

So on the Max train, I sit down on my nuts

Crack ‘em together like duck eggs

Across from me a young college girl sat down and smiled at me

I think she was smiling, my eyes were crossed, but she looked like she smiled

I bubbled from the side of my mouth and said something like, “MOOFY!”

And she got up and moved to another seat

Whatever you do I thought to myself

Don’t scream out at the top of your lungs, “Oh my GHOD! I just sat on my NUTS!”

No one will care, and they’ll probably laugh

As it turns out

That’s exactly what they did