Check for Spiders

Check for spiders. 

Whatever it is, don’t open it, or anything, without first checking for spiders

Check for spiders, for the sake of your own humanity,
Check for spiders for the sake of my sanity.

Check for spiders.
Check before you wear things, check your fucking hair, check down there.

Stomp on those old gloves before you put them on, and pretend to pull weeds.
Check the weeds. 
Check the places between the weeds

Check the bed! The pillows, the cases, the pillow-top puffy snap-on strap-on.
Check the other strap-on! Check under the lube for spiders before they slip away.

Insert Q-tips as far into the ear canal as possible without rupturing a membrane

To check for spiders.

What’s that crawling in your nose and out your mouth while you snore?

Thrill-seeking spiders. What’s that inside your slippers? Sensible yet comfortable spiders.

NOT A JOKE!

I hope you’ve enjoyed those toes of yours, because soon they will turn black and fall off in your socks, because you didn’t check for spiders like I suggested. Don’t hobble up to me for sympathy. 

Always check for spiders, especially if you’re about to stick your tongue into something, like a grocery bag, couch cushion, or vegetable crate. Leaf through the cabbage, peel the bananas, burn the firewood-pile. Check under your eyelids, under your armlids, if you’re wearing a hat and haven’t already checked it for spiders, you should throw it in the toilet, after first checking the toilet for spiders. I’d tousle my hair at that point if I were you, and abandon the hat.

During Holiday reunions, check the pockets in Grandpa's striped yellow blazer, where he very we'll could have hidden a tenner from Grandma’s prying eyes, and expects you to steal it. Check the tenner for egg sacks or signs of unusually suspicious spider behavior.

Be vigilant. Check between the sheets of weekly newspapers. The inside of car door handles.

Shake out that Pagan-Houseflies tour shirt you were going to wear to work again, because Shirley was home sick with a spider bite, and missed her chance to see you in all it’s glory. But don’t bother; because by the time you see Shirley again, she’ll have been consumed by inoperable necrosis. 

Check your drink for spiders. One may have scampered in, or someone might have slipped you a spider for kicks. Avoid ordering drinks from bartenders named Spider, and don't ever order a Blue Tarantula in a red lounge. If someone asks you to take his or her giant street-spider for a walk to the dog park, say no. It’s simple common sense.

Check your cupboards and cabinets for spider nests. You’ve watched Charlotte’s Web. If those terror sacks are allowed to hatch you’ll find yourself lips-deep in neurotoxic venom. You’ll be spun and shrink-wrapped like a pallet of figs, and sucked dryer than a sub-Saharan kindergarten juice box.

Check your Cheerios for spiders, and if they're really old Cheerios, check for moths. If you find fat moths, lean spiders won’t be far behind. Check your behind.

Now relax and go hug your grandma

But first

Definitely check her for spiders.