Learn to Knock

Whoa!
You gave me a start!
You need to knock before you walk in here
Knock before you walk!
I think I peed a little in my pants
Herked a little vile of bile in my throat
Blinked, winked and fellated my pinky
I gasped, sneezed, hiccupped, and detonated
Farted and sharted, and everyone smaste-ed 

I freaked out, pooped out, crapped out, faded out
Checked out, I copped out, my tits flopped out
I lashed out
Threw my knee out, cracked my back
Put my right foot in and lurched it all about 

Sprained my ankle, separated my shoulders
Pulled a hammy, butt dialed Miami, criticized origami
Conked my coccyx 
Broke a hip, split my lip 
My heart skipped a beat, then bongo’d a mambo 
I dropped my guard, dropped trow, dropped my jaw
You sure gave me a start!

I shotgunned a beer, threw a baby in the air
Pranced around putting on airs
Smashed a cinderblock with a Louisville Slugger
Lit a cherry bomb, fell on a grenade, a duck, I did bugger
 

I spanked the monkey, choked the chicken
Took one for the team, jerkin my gherkin, shooting off steam

I Fell in love
Fell into despair
Fell for the oldest line ever 
Fell on my sword
Pined for the fjords

I noogied Rottweilers
They bit off my hands

Did karate kicks in clown shoes
Spit out a mouthful of ghost-pepper cashews
Blew my nose, curled my toes, tore open my pantyhose
And emerged from the hole a better man ho
Smashed my abacus, butchered Leviticus
Spanked a consenting condescending Mormon
Rubbed an albatross, straightened the neighbors’ crooked cross

Fired off a battery of high caliber kidney stones 
Googled “Midget Porn” which was highly unusual
Considering my search terms were
Amazonian giantesses
in Chantilly pink-posy Easter dresses
But you gave me such a start!

New hands sprouted out!
I snapped a pencil, tore two cabbage heads to shreds
I burned down the house
Shit a brick shithouse mouse
You gave me such a start 
I ran in circles kicking hummingbirds
Humming Bela Lugosi is Dead
Then I jumped on my head on the bed

My clavicles rattled, knees knocked, 
Legs buckled, back spasm’d
Forehead slapped, gob smacked
Ate Sugar Smacks, folded all my slacks
My balls clacked, knuckles cracked
Jacked off a jaguar
Jaguared a jack-off
Split a seam, stifled a scream 
Pinched my cheek in case I was dreaming
Slapped my face, ‘case my eyes were cheating
Like Gladys, during an already difficult time in my career

My face fell
Ground my teeth
Gums bled
Flushed red
Teeth cracked
Ears crossed
My tongue tied itself into a trucker’s hitch
I called my mom a mom of a bitch

You need to learn to knock before you walk in here
Rock the knock before you walk and talk!

I’m easily startled.